Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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