the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
