Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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