Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
