Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
