There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
