I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
