I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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