totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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