If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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