My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
