I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
