I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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