booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
People in love make me want to vomit
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
