so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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