I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
