i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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