I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
