ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
