I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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