He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
