Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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