My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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