cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize