Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
