yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
