I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
3pm strippers are depressing
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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