I've blown a few things in my day
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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