i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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