this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize