We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
