My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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