You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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