Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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