i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize