Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
