Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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