Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
