my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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