Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he just fucked me for my cheese.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
