Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
