Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
