Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
