The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
