I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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