Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
