When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
