So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
