Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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