I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
