maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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