Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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