his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i came on her dog
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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