So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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