Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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